Original #1:
When I was 4 years old my mother and I were in the living room on the couch, eating popcorn and watching Home Alone 2: Lost In New York “Mommy where’s my dad?” I didn’t care where we were or what she was doing I just had to know, but she would never
respond so I just gave up. My mom worked a lot so I was always at the baby-sitter’s house. It seemed like I never went home. Half of my toys were over there, my bike, my sega genesis and my skates. But somewhere in between being at the baby-sitter’s and work my mom would throw me the best parties.
Simple sentences:
When I was 4 years old my mother and I were in the living room laying on the couch. We were eating popcorn. We were watching Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Mommy where's my dad. I didn't care where we were. What she was doing. I just had to know.but she would never respond. So I just gave up. My mom worked a lot. So I was always at the baby-sitters house. It seemed like I never went home. Half of my toys were over there. My bike my sega genesis and my skates. But somewhere in between being at the baby-sitter's and work my mom would throw me the best parties.
Semicolons/ commas & FANBOYS:
When I was 4 years old my mother and I were in the living room, so we were on the couch, eating popcorn and watching Home Alone 2: Lost In New York
“Mommy where’s my dad?”;
And I didn’t care where we were or what she was doing I just had to know; but she would never respond, so I just gave up, but my mom worked a lot so I was always at the baby-sitter’s house; so it seemed like I never went home, half of my toys were over there, my bike, my sega genesis and my skates. But, somewhere in between being at the baby-sitter’s and work my mom would throw me the best parties.
Original #2:
I remember one particular birthday party we had pizza, chips, hot dogs, juice and all types of candy. I had the prettiest barbie cake; it was pink, purple and green with a little white barbie doll on top with a blonde ponytail. Other than the nasty purple icing the cake and ice cream was great, and my favorite part at the party was the jumper. I was on top of the world and didn’t want to come down but it was that time. Everybody was singing happy birthday to me and it was time for me to make a wish. I looked around at everybody at the party and looked down at the number 6 candle on my cake, closed my eyes super tight, crossed my fingers and silently wished that I would see my dad. As I blew the candle out I heard all this commotion.“Get your ass away from my house you ain’t welcome here.” “What you mean I’m not welcome? It’s my daughter’s birthday and I brought her a gift.” My eyes lit up with excitement, could it be? Did he just say it’s my daughter’s birthday? “Dad, dad!”
I ran to the gate and my mother snatched me up and ran in the house, and just like that my party was over.
Simple sentences:
I remember one particular birthday party we had pizza chips hot dogs juice and all types of candy. I had the prettiest barbie cake. It was pink, purple and green with a little white barbie doll on top. She had a blonde ponytail. Other than the nasty purple icing the cake and ice cream was great. My favorite part at the party was the jumper. I was on top of the world and didn’t want to come down but it was that time. Everybody was singing happy birthday to me. It was time for me to make a wish. I looked around at everybody at the party and looked down at the number 6 candle on my cake. I closed my eyes super tight crossed my fingers. I silently wished that I would see my dad. As I blew the candle out I heard all this commotion. “Get your ass away from my house you ain’t welcome here.”
“What you mean I’m not welcome? It’s my daughter’s birthday and I brought her a gift.” My eyes lit up with excitement. could it be, Did he just say it’s my daughter’s birthday? “Dad, dad!”I ran to the gate and my mother snatched me up and ran in the house. Just like that my party was over.
Semicolons/ commas & FANBOYS:
I remember one particular birthday party; we had pizza, chips, hot dogs, juice and all types of candy. And I had the prettiest barbie cake; it was pink, purple and green with a little white barbie doll on top with a blonde ponytail, but other than the nasty purple icing the cake and ice cream was great, and my favorite part at the party was the jumper. I was on top of the world and didn’t want to come down, but it was that time. Now everybody was singing happy birthday to me and it was time for me to make a wish, so I looked around at everybody at the party; and looked down at the number 6 candle on my cake, and closed my eyes super tight, crossed my fingers and silently wished that I would see my dad; and as I blew the candle out I heard all this commotion.
“Get your ass away from my house you ain’t welcome here.”
“What you mean I’m not welcome? It’s my daughter’s birthday and I brought her a gift.”
My eyes lit up with excitement, could it be? Did he just say it’s my daughter’s birthday?
“Dad, dad!”;
So I ran to the gate and my mother snatched me up and ran in the house, and just like that my party was over.
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